NOVEMBER 24, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

25

BIG TIPS

Rules for making non-monogamous relationships work

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hey, gang. I'm taking the liberty of sitting on your questions for two weeks (it keeps them warm), so I could do a special column on nonmonogamy. We alternately talk about polyfidelity as though it were the only sane choice for thinking lovers, or the end of the decent queer family as we know it. So what's up?

I talked with Jody and Shad the day before their 12th anniversary. They met at Seneca Women's Peace Encampment, and have been primary partners, or a "core couple" since. They didn't decide to be nonmonogamous as a couple; they were just two gals, full of a big, lovin' energy bigger than the two of them combined.

"I used to have to wait in line for a date with Shad," says Jody. "She had an apartment in town, and there'd be a few women waiting for their turn to spend time off the land with her."

So, after this crowded beginning, how did they end up together for so long? "The heaviness of inertia,” says Shad wryly. “Also, history. You can't help but be major people in other's lives after this long. And you know what? The relationship may not have lasted this long if we had been trying to be monogamous."

Shad and Jody shared with me their thoughts on what's unique about their relationship, how it works, and the importance of active choice when hammering out a partnership. The thoughts and opinions are theirs, and all nutty paraphrasings would be, well, mine.

Monogamy can be the right choice for some couples, but it's rarely chosen as an option, since it's presented as the one ideal model in our culture. This system was initially created by men, though, to keep track of their property (gals), and to know where their kids were. The

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people who've traditionally been “caught” breaking that mold were women (biology as social conditioner), not the men, and women have been trained that to resist this norm results in the harshest of social sanctions.

Consequently, and vestigially, lesbians predominantly end up doing serial monogamy, a series of primary, exclusive relationships. Frequently, someone has an affair, and it breaks up the relationship, or the couple breaks up so they can fling around. It's hard enough to

find someone you mesh with: if you find

her, keep her. Serial

monogamy takes an incredible amount of energy: hunting, building, bonding,

breaking up. Main taining your primary relationship through

of meeting everyone's needs: lover number one's, the new gal's, and her own. Ironically, she's the one most likely to lose out, because of all of this need meeting, so she needs some transitional space; either time at home alone, or a place to go that's just hers.

Making any relationship work over time is a project, and most of the critical skills for nonexclusive couples look familiar. Honesty and communication are The Key. You can not lie.

Maintaining your primary relationship through your need to explore other options and people keeps a baseline of love, support, and stability in your life.

your need to explore other options and people keeps a baseline of love, support, and stability in your life.

It's a lot to expect one person to meet all of your needs. If that person is your lover/ soulmate/best friend/art partner/sous chef, your identities can become very interlocked and interdependent, and you can lose your sense of yourself as an individual. Other people coming into the relationship benefit too, from what they learn from being with you. Why should all that a gal has to give be poured only once, into one other person?

Shad and Jody's relationship is just one model, but they've honed it over time. The addition of a new person into the mix makes a "line," not a triangle. A triangle implies a connection between the two people on each end. Although the end-gals do need to know about each other, they have no obligation to interact. The person in the middle is in charge

If you start lying, you're doomed. This doesn't just mean to the girlfriend(s), but to yourself, and about what the new relationship is motivated by. You know when your partner's focusing a different kind of energy on someone. If you don't talk about it, or lie, it makes the old relationship nutty, because someone's being told nothing is going on, but on a gut level, she knows it is. To this end, the girls highly recommend Adriane Rich's On Lies, Secrets, and Silence, an excellent essay that talks about how crazy-making lies are. A related key component is security, in yourself as an individual, not as half of a couple, and in the primary relationship, so that you really believe that you're not being dumped.

What are the rules?

1. Talk about it first. If it's so hot you have to do it that night, talk about it as soon as possible afterwards. This is telling, not asking permission. The primary lover doesn't have veto power, although, annoyingly, she may know you so well she'll know if it's a bad idea before you do.

2. You must be having sex with both lovers, and if you're not because of some issue, deal

with it PDQ. No lesbian bed death.

3. It's really bad not to know about the other lover.

4. Nip trouble in the bud. Part of honesty and communication is dealing with issues in a timely fashion, so you don't end up with that waxy buildup of anxiety.

The gals offered several suggestions for trouble spots. Jealousy is a powerful instinct, and it's hard to avoid. When it comes up, or you're feeling insecure, pick through your feelings. Is this about this relationship, or are these feelings left over from some other situation? Validate 'em, communicate it, and chill out. Shad particularly warns against predictable waves of insecurity: "PMS kills."

Have a network of friends to confide in. Sometimes you don't want to tell girlfriend number one about what girlfriend number two will or won't do in bed. Don't try to be nonmonogamous when you're feeling grumpy with each other. Wait until the relationship is strong. Oh, and tell one partner ahead of time if you're going to a particular event with the other gal. It avoids the possibility of nasty surprises, and gives the other person time to get another date.

Basically, you're only being done wrong if your needs aren't being met, or you feel like you're being dumped. If your only experience is serial monogamy, it can be hard to get used to, and feel really bad. Feeling insecure is okay, and gives your partner an opportunity to reassure you, but don't use it to manipulate her. Yelling and crying aren't criminal, as long as it doesn't stop there. As the song says, "Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it..." Thanks for the insight, girls.

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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James L. Helmuth, Ph.D. Psychologist Philip Seibel, Ph. D. Psychologist

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